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Piched from usenet:aus.cars
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
“God loves drunk people too you know.”


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.




"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
 
Some people are like Slinkys. Not particularly good for anything, but a hell of a lot of fun to push down a set of stairs.
 
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DIARY OF A POHM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA
August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home
in Karratha, Western Australia.
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today.
No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned
car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a
sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds!!

September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today,
but I love it here. It's Paradise!

October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy
though. Keeps the flies off a bit Acclimatizing is taking longer than we
expected.

October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over
60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I
left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,
Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to
the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned
my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fucking blow
dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and
the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to
order parts from fucking Perth ......The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't
arrived for the fucking air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all been
sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we
can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 - Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500
and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes
it feel about 35. Stupid repairman. Fucking thief.

November 8 - If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm
going to fucking throttle him. Fucking heat! By the time I get to work,
the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet
and I smell like baked cat. Fucking place is the end of the Earth.

November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on
the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my fucking arse was on
fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and
off my fucking arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked
cat.
Fuck. Fuck.. Fuck.

November 10 -- The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording..
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny. It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman
says it might really warm up next week. Fuck!

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up
and blow into the fucking pool. The only things that thrive in this fucking
hell-hole are the fucking flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of
swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the
air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,
'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the fucking car up his
fucking arse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of
jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fucking Karratha! What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to
live here!

December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are fucking kidding
 
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task...
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina
 
Banned from Bi Lo - Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local BI Lo buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn?t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Bi Lo.
Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends....... it will be their laugh for the day
 
Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you, to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.

I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of
my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself,
'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!
 
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around
the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,
"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me
 
I was in the coffee shop yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my drink and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my I-Pod.
 
shaggy said:
I was in the coffee shop yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my drink and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my I-Pod.
Click to expand...



Lol. !@#$%^ awesome.
 
I went to McDonalds today and the girl serving was wearing a burqa; I noticed it was quite dirty and tattered and a bit smelly. It actually put me off so I walked out and went across the road to Hungry Jacks.

There was another girl wearing a burqa. It was clean & nicely decorated with beads and sequins, That's when I realised - the burqas are better at Hungry Jacks.......
 
^ Lol. Love it Shane.

Are these from text messages ?

Should of got your number at the Muster.
 

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