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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.



The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the milkman dead on the porch.
 
An old truckie walks into a tavern in the middle of nowhere. Sign above the bar says Cheeseburger $2.50 Hamburger $3.50 Chicken sandwich $4.00 Cold beer $4.50 Hand job $50.00 He calls the exceptionally good looking barmaid over. She comes down to him with a big smile on her face and asks, "how can I help you?" The truckie leans in and asks, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "why yes I am" she replies. The truckie leans in closer and whispers, "well wash your fuckin hands, I want a cheeseburger ! "
 
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Toilet seat

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to
doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take
care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her
to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
 
Cinderella update

Update on Cinderella



Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching
the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the
fairy godmother.



Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you
doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have
lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there
anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:


'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful
young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the
corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob,
my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental
a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his
warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'
 
The Driver License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'


'Because you got an F in sex.'
 
Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied... He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
 
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the
afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: Darling you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.
Wife, with a smile blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."
Husband: "Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop."
 
Can’t send this to many folks.....





A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim Man wearing a turban, who was eating some fresh shrimp. Every-time he ate one he spat the tail at her and she had to throw it out the window. Eventually she got pissed off and pulled the Emergency Cord. The Turban wearing Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that you stupid Catholic slut. She laughed back and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-fucker."
 
I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says"Hello!".
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
 
Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check his patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"



The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out"
 
Diamond Necklace

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the
afternoon, suddenly, the wife realised that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: Where
the hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the Diamond
Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time
and said Baby it'll be yours one day.

Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop
 
Wedding Test

One for the single guy's.Enjoy


I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs.

I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our
little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
The Fairy and the Asylum Seeker

One for Dave :sarcastic:

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Christmas Island Centrelink Office.


'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka. I want to bring them all over here.

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, plus all his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl, and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
“Tough luck. Now that you are Australian,
you're entitled to
sweet f*** all, just like the rest of us”.
 
One for the older boys

Enjoy

Ear Infection
This is so true!

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.


There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.



A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached thedesk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'


'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.


The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '



'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.


The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'


The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.


The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'


'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.


The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'


'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.


The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
 
A Damn Fine Explanation

Enjoy Fella's

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
 
Cell phone use in the bathroom

Enjoy Fella's



Cell phone use in the bathroom...hold on to your seat...




All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over 48 hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of a$$ cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.



As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for the wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:



1. Occupied.



2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.



3. Poop smeared on seat.



4. Poop and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.



5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing near base of toilet.



Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped the trousers and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful crapper. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.



I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be.

Out of shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Crapper was blathering to Mrs. Crapper about the lousey day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My ass let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.



Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.

The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.



Once my a$$ cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:



(1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible stench.



It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.



"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"



Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.



Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up...in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids...love them... oh

God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.



Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My crap-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.



There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet.

I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.



After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage.

I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.



As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl.

Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.



I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my shamefulness to my anonymous crap-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to crap in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in a bathroom. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.
 
Julia Gillard goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn’t vote for it?
Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?
Third, weren’t you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you said you’re a lesbian

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Julia says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn’t vote for it?
Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?
Third, weren’t you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley ?"
 
Elton John goes to a tattoo shop and asks for a picture of a car put on his penis. That tattoo artist asks what sort of car would you like?
Elton replys: better make a 4x4. It's got to go through a lot of shit!
 
7 Kinds of Sex

Enjoy

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy
yourself.
 

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